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08/01/2005 Archived Entry: "Geoff and the Tailor"

My old officemate Geoff Duncan lost a lot of weight a few years ago due to a nasty bout of pneumonia, and clothing has been problematic since then. "I'd been putting off replacing items because I didn't know what size I'd be. If I bought clothes which seemed like they fit -- you know, assuming I got lucky in my random, hurried, ignorant selection process -- they'd probably not fit as soon as that weight started coming back, and I'd just have to replace things a second time. That seemed like a waste, especially since I hate the whole clothes-buying process anyway. So I waited. After four-and-a-half years, I've come to realize that weight may not be coming back, and my clothes have been passing from well-worn to worn-out. So I've kinda been looking for new clothes. And it's every bit as insane, frustrating, embarrassing, and idiotic as I remember!"

I love his recent encounter with a tailor.

The tailor looks up, quickly looks me up and down, and says No luck, eh?

"Uh, no," I stammer. "I, um, can't tell if anything fits."

A moment, please. The tailor touches my shoulder, turns me about a quarter turn, and looks me up and down. Mmm. I can see why. Unless you have clothes made for you, you may never have worn clothes which fit properly.

"Excuse me?"

Yes, you see, your shape is not good for off-the-rack clothes. He steps forward, raising one of my arms. Your waist is narrow, but only front-to-back: side to side it is normal. Belts and pockets will not sit properly. More appraisal. Your chest is medium, but your shoulders are large while your arms are somewhat short. Your neck and head are unusually large. Any shirt which fits your shoulders and neck will be too big everywhere else and will be a balloon tucked in. Any shirt which fits down here, he gestures to my stomach and hips, will be too tight upstairs.

During all this, the tailor does not so much as touch his measuring tape. I guess when you've been doing this long enough, your eye gets pretty accurate.

(tags: GeoffDuncan, clothing, tailoring)