Ten Different Mirrors

Self-revelation is a cruel process. The real picture, the real "you" never emerges. Looking for it is as bewildering as trying to know how you really look. Ten different mirrors show you ten different faces.
-- Shashi Deshpande

Friday, June 27, 1997

So Ceej said, "I learn in your journal about what happens to you, but I don't learn that much about you." (Rough paraphrase, because she said this in real life, not email.) I'd been thinking about that very topic, and almost wrote a paragraph on it yesterday, but it was too late for me to do it justice. Reading Chris about not being very self-revelatory was what put it into my mind.

I think it's my INFJ personality that makes me write more about what is happening than what I am feeling. If someone sees me in real life, they probably know what I am feeling -- my manager last year said I need to develop more of a poker face! But my emotional tone may not be coming across in my journal.

Writing about my emotions in more that a superficial way (ex.: Yay! Pout!) seems like it would make this journal too much about me. Me! Me! Me! Since I'm new to writing anything sustained, I have doubts about producing introspective stuff and having it be interesting to others. Staying fact-based means that at least I can point to the real world for justification. "See! it really did happen that way!"

Quotes that follow are from the INFJ profile referenced above.

"INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor."

I do worry about expressing my negative opinions here in writing. Where I wouldn't mind saying some smart-aleck remark about an common aquaintance to one person privately (sneaky thrill of a shared joke later?) I'd feel queasy about expressing such an opinion in a forum where the subject might find out about it. Thinking "This person has a strong MEGO quotient (My Eyes Glaze Over)," brings the inevitable sequel, "What if they feel the same way about me? Am I boring people all over town and don't know it?" The very characteristic that is irking me about this person may be irking me because it's within me, and I subconsciously know it!

A passing comment spoken aloud is gone after it's said. Writing something down, when it might have been a momentary feeling and not my considered opinion, can give it more weight than it was ever worth.

Are my standards really so high that most people can't meet the bar of Anita's approval? No, I think most folks must have something to offer, if I can find the subject close to their heart. This is why I used to do very well at a customer service job I had that involved chatting with a restaurant's customers; I enjoyed hearing about how their evening was going, what they chose for dinner, how their day had been. The constant interaction was tiring for me, but I liked the folks!

"Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof."

Writing is a thinking function for me; I haven't been in the habit of keeping a journal before, or of doing those writing exercises where you just keep moving the pen over the paper, not stopping for anything no matter what emerges. Perhaps this has made my journal-writing more remote and Vulcan-esque than I might be in email to a friend.

Perhaps the fact that I am basically happy and content is what makes me think that I would have difficulty writing about my inner life in an interesting fashion. Tolstoy says "All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Despite this risk of being boring, I'll endeavour to be more personal, at least sometimes!

*     *     *     *     *     *     *    *

We held Vanguard Lunch at the cafeteria in Building 4, which I think is the prettiest cafeteria on campus. It looks like something designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. The first folks there grabbed the "cool" table, a long oval table in an alcove, overlooking Lake Bill. (Vanguard Lunch was a week early, because next Friday is July 4th and we won't be at work.) Jon Singer brought a new guy, Tom, who reminded me of my highschool boyfriend! Long hair and glasses of the round wire-rim variety, except there's a black border around the lenses. So now we have two guys named Tom and two guys named Tim. Confusing! I had fun bringing everyone up to speed on my parade adventures. We got to explain to the new Tom about Vanguard and fannish stuff, since he was an acquaintance of Jon's who just happened to join him for lunch. When you say Vanguard is a monthly social gathering of science fiction fans, some people envision a Star Trek Convention, when really it's more like a -- um, er, ah -- a salon! that's it! or a family reunion where you can join the family if you want.

Jane and Luke didn't make it to lunch, which was disappointing. I caught up with Luke at the Clarion party in the evening, held at Jerry and Suzle's house. He seemed bummed that he didn't arrive until after most of the students had left, but he'll catch up with them at the next reading or at Westercon. We traded parade experiences, since both of us had worked on it, but separately.

It was a very nice early summer evening for Seattle, a little warm inside but cool outside. The students must have arrived right on the dot of eight o'clock, because they were all already present when I arrived at a few minutes after. I caught up with Ceej's doings for the week, and chatted with Rob as well. They quizzed me on the backstage gossip of Clarion. Too bad I didn't know any! Freddie is often disappointed with me in this respect too! She asks me what's going on in the Seattle social scene, who is seeing who, what's the latest story, and I have no news to give her.

Later in the evening, after most of the students had left, I sat on the couch and listened to Eileen Gunn and John Hedtke trade stories about their adventures in the software industry. Both are good storytellers!

Then home, and so to bed.

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