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Being Candid
Let us not be ashamed to speak what we shame not to think.
-- Michel de Montaigne
Wednesday, February 4, 1998
Jason has been encouraging me to be more open about my emotional life in this journal. This is difficult for me, when I don't know what I'm feeling from one minute to the next. I've written before about the difficulty of being emotionally open in my writing. (I linked to Chris's "Still Xiled" writing about a similar topic in that entry, but he's moved his site since. I don't think that my alienation is as severe as his was, though.)
Jason says, "Writing is about opening up your mind and heart and exposing it to the light," but that isn't the only thing writing is about. And not everything in my mind and heart is for public consumption.
"It's the changes in stories that we love to read, see the character change and develop. If all we see are your outings and who you are hanging out with, well, that's fine, but we don't get to see the real changes in your life or personality."
Another friend had a slightly different view: "I think one of the things I prefer about [this journal] is that the personal is implied by the accumulated details rather than spelled out. That is, the reader has to care enough about your state of mind to be able to figure it out, or not; much like reading Victorian novels." I like this! I'm an exercise for the reader!
But what Jason asks is an interesting challenge, and of course I'm wildly flattered that he cares enough to consider the question! So we will see what I'm able to manage, and if you catch me not saying things, do point it out.
* * * * * * * *
I had scheduled an outing tonight for the singles events public folder at work (like an internal newsgroup), to meet for dinner then go to the swing dance at the Century Ballroom. No one had confirmed that they were going to join me, but I figured I'd go anyway, eat by myself if necessary (why not? I do that most nights.) and dance. I wanted the exercise and distraction!
I had gotten email earlier in the day, forwarded by my friend Jon Newman, that said they were resurfacing the floors at the Ballroom, so to please wear tennis shoes if you had them. I could only find one black tennis shoe and one red tennis shoe, but luckily I remembered that I had a red and black outfit that would be suitable for dancing.
I walked down to Attutuya, a very nice Thai restaurant a few blocks from the Ballroom. I grabbed a table for four, since it was possible that someone would join me, but I didn't know for certain. In a few minutes, I looked up from my book to see my buddy Tom Lawrence walking by and looking in the window. He had been to beginning swing class, then came to join me for dinner. What did we talk about? Jason, of course! And the strides Tom has made in the past few years at trying new things, coming out of his shell, and socializing. I knew he was a quiet guy, but I didn't realize that he's been on a program of self-improvement in social skills! What determination! Tom was amused by me at dinner, when I asked him to talk to me about something, anything, non-J-related. "Wow! you are really freaked," he chuckled. So we talked about work. Tree Architecture, anyone?
I was very pleased that Denys Howard and Karrie Dunning showed up when we were waiting at the ballroom for the doors to open. (They had been at their own dance lessons at a studio across town.) We all danced, along with another classmate from my classes at the Century, Jude. And some folks from Microsoft did eventually show up, including a new member of my team at work. I had been bugging Peter to come out ever since he revealed a love for swing dancing in his introductory email a few weeks ago. He had brought Joseph, also on our team, and some women whom I didn't know. It was interesting dancing with him; he had a very different style than I am used to. But he complimented my following style, which was gratifying.
Denys told me about the preparations he is making so we can dance at Vanguard. When we last had this traveling party at his house, we learned of each other's dance studies and immediately started swing dancing in his living room, but there was only room for two couples. This time he has moved some furniture out, and rearranged other things, so we'll have a little more room. And this time Tom says he'll dance. He didn't feel he was a good enough dancer last time.
Tom and I learned some more Charleston variations during the intermission; this week it was the tandem step, where the lead stands directly behind the follow and holds both her hands. We were able to figure out the signal for changing the step pattern by watching the two teachers. "I really have to stand close to make this work," said Tom, as we learned the variation where we both kick out to the side.
We walked back up the hill to Tom's car, then he gave me a ride for the remaining few blocks.
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