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Crisis Averted
If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say,
I love her for her smile... her look... her way
Of speaking gently... for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and, certes, brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day --
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee -- and love so
wrought,
May be unwrought so.
-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Sunday, February 8, 1998
Well, there was some fallout from what I wrote on Wednesday. There was a flurry of concerned email from Jason, containing this:
"Don't worry. I think Friday we need to have a talk. I need to get some stuff off my chest. I want to talk about some serious stuff, but, I don't want you to stress. I'm stressing. But, stressing is part of my nature. We're about to have one of those "big talk" moments. Are you ready for that yet?"
Of course, when I got this, I offered to come over and talk on Thursday night. The J part of INFJ means that I don't like things hanging over my head! But no, he didn't think that that was necessary. And whatever he had to say, he seemed to think it could be accomplished in the hour between the time I arrived and the time his gaming buddies arrived, so how bad could it be?
But a word of advice, guys! The phrases, "don't worry" and "We need to have a talk", seem mutually exclusive to me!
I had no conception whether he wanted to break things off, get more serious, or say "don't tie me down." I had Schrodinger's boyfriend: existing in an undetermined state. Oh, but don't worry!!!
Then Friday morning when Jason sent out mail to his gaming buddies, saying he was in a weird mood and didn't feel like gaming, all bets were off.
But it turned out that he was concerned that I was "in love" with him, when he doesn't feel that way about me. His previous pattern is to "fall in love" almost immediately. I told him (the truth!) that I was extremely attracted to him, had a big crush on him. But I wouldn't describe my feelings as love, on less than a month's accquaintance! My report of my conversation with Tom from Wednesday is what gave him this impression. Tom and other people who know me here haven't seen me before when I was interested enough in a guy to express it to others. It's a different mode for them to experience me in.
* * * * * * * *
So Jason really was in a strange mood, partly caused by the mild, windy weather, and partly by who knows what. He showed me a story he had written at an earlier date that attempted to capture it: hyper-aware, edgy, predatory. He said he didn't want to decide what we should do that evening. So I prescribed for him: The Replacement Killers, the new John Woo shoot-em-up starring Chow Yun Fat that opened that evening.
We drove to the Bella Bottega theater, which is in a strange area of Redmond. It's isolated in a huge parking lot, and the strip malls and office buildings surrounding it didn't seem to offer a likely place for us to get some dinner first (and hunger was part of Jason's weird mood, I think!). We kept walking till we saw a chinese takeout with a few tables, that turned out to be a place he often orders from. We ordered (too much food, of course!) and played with my camera while waiting. I've been trying to get a good picture of him, but I wouldn't say I've done him justice yet. His tendency to roll his eyes or make a face doesn't help!
The one feature I wish for in my Mavica camera is a remote shutter release or a timer button. To get a picture of the two of us together, we had to hold the camera at arm's length, and press the button by guess or by golly.
The food was good, so we carried the leftovers with us as we walked quickly back to the theater. (I would have dropped the food off in the car, but I had parked far on the other side of the theater.) The theater wasn't filled, which surprised me for the opening night of a John Woo movie. Maybe this was because Chow Yun Fat isn't yet a household name in the west? Jason pointed out to me that Liralen was sitting across the theater, so I went over to say hi.
The movie was suitably violent, loud, funny and dramatic. At first, Jason didn't know what to make of my tendency to filter the movie by closing or covering my eyes if it gets too intense for me. This doesn't mean I want to leave! I'm just setting the level of the movie so I can be comfortable.
* * * * * * * *
Saturday morning we watched cartoons and home improvement shows ("I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." -- Jerome K. Jerome ), then Jason did a few loads of laundry. The only task I needed to accomplish that day was to pack breakfast bags for the homeless men at the overflow shelter that is sponsored by my parish. We stopped at the Kirkland Costco so I could buy the bulk food I needed for this project. Jason liked the "chicken bake" sandwich sold at the food stand there, which I recommended for a snack. Life would be a lot simpler if everyone would just do what I say, er, um , that is, follow my suggestions.
We went back to my place so I could put together the breakfast bags, assembly-line fashion. This isn't as big a job as it sounds, since I only need to do twelve. We delivered them to the parish center, then came back and watched my special edition director's cut laser disk of Aliens.
And then it was time for Vanguard! I remember how pleased I was a few weeks ago, when Jason volunteered himself for this. But in addition to meeting my friends, there may be other benefits for him in hooking in to the Seattle fannish network. Jason is an aspiring writer, and there are lots of aspiring writers and successful writers in our group of folks. Good for networking!
We arrived at Denys's house, and someone reminded me that I had meant to bring my printed zine to distribute. I had totally forgotten! So we immediately left, drove back to my house, picked up the kinko's carton, and drove back. Total elapsed time: about half an hour.
Denys had done a fair amount of rearranging so we'd have room to swing dance, so we took advantage of it. I danced with Glenn and Denys, and did a little bit of Charleston with Debbie Schwartz. It turns out she and Jason work in adjoining buildings at Boeing!
My favorite Vanguard moment of the evening: we were downstairs in the smoking section of the party. Conversation is usually general in that room, since it's smaller and we are all sitting or standing in one circle instead of in little groups. Jason and I were standing at one end of the room, and I hadn't introduced him around yet. Suddenly Randy said to me, "So, Anita, is that that new fan you were looking for?" I was puzzled for a moment, then Jason said, "Hello, I'm Jason, and I'm a new fan!" Everyone chimed in like an AA meeting: "Hi, Jason!" Then I realized that Randy had been with me at Potlatch when I had been trying to buy a replacement for a bamboo fan that I had, so I laughed and said, holding it up, "Oh, this? It looks just like the old one. I found it behind the couch." Jason said, "I didn't want to come out from behind there, but she forced me to!"
* * * * * * * *
This morning, Jason confirmed that I'll be there next Friday to meet his friends at gaming. This was planned, since it's a rescheduled event from last Friday's cancellation. Then he said, unprompted, "When is the next Cacophony event?" I told him, "Next Saturday; the Lincoln sees his shadow shadow puppet play." I reminded him that next Saturday is Valentine's Day. "Oh, why not? I'll do it!" I was pleased!
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