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Breakup
Saturday, March 7, 1998 Jason broke up with me (by telephone) in the early hours of this morning. He woke up around midnight, and felt it was too late to call me as he had said he would yesterday afternoon. I had gone to bed just before he sent me email, but I woke up in the middle of the night and thought, "I'll check just once more." His mail said it was ok to call him, so I did. This was one phone call where we didn't have trouble communicating with each other! We talked a bit about what our day had been like, and talked about plans for today (Jason was supposed to come to Vanguard with me). It became clear to me that he didn't realize that I'd been upset by the cancelation yesterday. You know, I'm really not thrilled by the results of this "tell them what you are thinking and feeling" policy. It just hasn't worked out as one would wish!
I tried to explain (what I wrote in yesterday's entry) why I was bugged. To Jason, my disappointment meant that I was taking things too much to heart, too personally. The late cancellation meant that Jason was treating the event as he treats most social plans and commitments: it's ok for them to be blown off. His track record with me has been more consistent, but that is because he has made special efforts. That I don't have the importance for him that he does for me? Ah, there's the rub. Because this is true. So in the course of this lengthy discussion, we went from Jason saying that I should have a key to his place so I could conveniently get in while he was sleeping (I've gone over there several times to wake him up, since he's been sleeping during the day, and he's had to leave his front door unlocked.) to Jason saying that maybe we should take a break from each other this weekend, to Jason saying that we shouldn't date anymore. No wonder my head is spinning! We won't say what my heart is doing. I've been LJBF'd ("Let's Just Be Friends", in soc.singles parlance, but Jason doesn't like the word "just" in this context). Jason doesn't feel any "spark" with me. I hadn't picked up on this, because although he had said something about it earlier, I'd been going by his actions. I think this is similar to the Introvert/Extrovert mismatch. (Have I talked about this before?) An Introvert, meeting an Extrovert, can think "This person must really like me, must really be attracted to me!" because the Introvert would only show such intense interest in another person if that's how zie felt. But the Extrovert acts that way towards many folks, or all zir friends, or anyone zie meets. So it didn't seem like a problem when Jason said a month ago that he wasn't in love with me. I didn't/don't consider myself in love with him! But I paid more attention to him hugging and kissing me, asking me to spend the night, cuddling me, making arrangements to see me. But I didn't see that most of that, he does with many folks. It wasn't a special role for me. He's a physical person. He puts his arm around whoever. If someone is watching a movie with him, he'll hold that person's hand. All these things that touched my heart didn't really have the same meaning for him. I'm just not on his radar screen in the same way.
So now I need to go through the process of putting Jason in a different place in my life. I am sad and grief-stricken right now, but I'll get over it. One tough part will be that his participation in my social network is something that would be very good for him. He's an aspiring writer, and the Seattle fannish scene is where he ought to be. I hope in a few weeks I'll be able to handle seeing him at Vanguard, at parties, and elsewhere. As for what else being "friends" will involve, I don't know! Jason didn't have any idea, either. "I just like to let things happen," he says.
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