Vulnerability

Thursday, July 16, 1998
One year ago: Adoration of the Real

I was so pleased tonight to see so many little red gleams on my "Favorites" journal links. That's how Internet Explorer tells me that a page has changed, and on a journal index page that usually means a new entry. I had a nice little orgy of catching up (which I should have done after writing this, but didn't, so there!).

I'm glad Andrew is back to writing more often. I feared he had fallen off the net for good during his job-search related posting drought. Deadpan is his middle name, and he digs that green-on-black. This entry seems to be mostly about communication difficulties. "Sit down. Point at your temples with both hands, fingers quivering about 4 inches from your head. Loudly chant "THINK! THINK! THINK!". This will help you concentrate."

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I took my nephew J--- to his tap-dance class yesterday. That's why I worked a few extra hours on Tuesday, because I knew I'd be taking off early Wednesday. He's been taking a cool class at a different dance studio for the last few weeks: "Rap, Tap, and Tumble". He seemed to be keeping up just fine, and was especially good at the cartwheel and roundup. Since he'll miss the last class because he's going to camp next week, I reminded him to say goodbye and thankyou to the teachers. He did this with his usual social skill and poise. He's the boy who wanted to greet everyone at his daycare on arrival, at the age of two!

After dinner at my sister's house, I went to the first dance class of this session at the Century Ballroom. I've decided to repeat Intermediate Swing since that's the class that makes the most sense of the classes offered on the night I can attend. I really like Marilee, the teacher who works with Hallie in the swing classes. She's so gentle, elegant and funny! I asked her to be sure and give me detailed feedback on the subtle points of what we'll be learning, since I do have a fair grasp of the basics.

The dance after class was just great! The weather was a bit cooler, so we weren't collapsing from the heat after every dance. This kind of dancing interacts so strongly with the music, and the music is the best of several decades of popular jazz and swing. The dancing is sexy or funny or cool or all of those. I love doing it, and I also like watching it. Some of the best dancers I know were there, and I got to dance with the partners I wanted. Some even asked me, which is always gratifying.

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Reading Lizzie's "mad" entry (and the unnamed journaler buddy she is talking about) got me thinking again about the taking of emotional risks. It is tough, risky, to open one's heart (my heart) to being vulnerable to another person. But I have to do it, to get the closeness and intimacy that I want in my life! And the "kremlinology" of studying another person's interactions with me, trying to figure them out. I don't like that, but I do it! I remember actually getting a little weepy, one of the first times I was with Jason. Crying in advance, perhaps. I'm glad he was able to deal with it in a better way than the guy in my unnamed friend's story.

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At dance class tonight at the Russian Center, it was quite tropical! There was a temperature gradient, from the cool outside, to the warm entrance, then continuing across the floor to the hottest, dampest area, right by the stage. We hope that next week they will be able to bring in more fans. But I did stay and dance for an hour and a half. I left at ten o'clock, and as I cooled down on my walk home I could feel how sweaty I actually was! So I took a quick soak with herbes de provence bath stuff. Very refreshing!

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