Bravery

Tuesday, September 8, 1998

I had a good time at the dance at Two-Tone Tuesday tonight, of course! I arrived during the last few minutes of the lesson, which I joined since they were short of follows. I was disappointed to see that my white tights weren't as white as I thought they were; they didn't glow under the black lights like the ones I wore last week did.

I danced quite a bit with Adam. He is improving fast! I was teasing him a bit about being so eager to dance with the high-school girls there, when he said something about he and I being the same age. "Nope!" I said. "Well, we were both born in the sixties, right?" "Unh unh!" I said. Finally I revealed that I am ten years older than him, after he flatteringly guessed that I was younger. (I don't think he really thought that!)

Adam spoke about admiring and respecting all the things I do, dancing, going out, meeting people, etc. This reminded me of K--- talking about my bravery, back in August. Such talk gives me a strange sensation. I think the things I've been doing are very sensible, and I wish I'd started long ago!

(Note: Added Wednesday morning) It came to me in the middle of the night why people "admiring" me in this way bothers me. Who do we admire and respect for doing quite ordinary things, things that everyone does (like looking for a mate, or going out and socializing)? We admire people who are overcoming some terrible problem or handicap, struggling on to live a normal life in spite of it all. Since I don't think of myself in this way, no wonder I get slightly perturbed when my subconscious mind picks up on these vibrations from others.

For someone who describes himself as shy, Adam seems to tell me quite a lot about himself! This makes it quite evident that he thinks of me as a "safe" person. I told him that someday he'd have to ask me about all my traumas and difficulties, since I've heard so much about his recently. It just seems fair!

I was talking with Joe Ross about Bumbershoot, and telling him about the pictures of himself in my entry for that day. He filled me in on the story of Hep Jen and himself. I had no idea that they had broken up in early July and hadn't gotten back together until the end of August! Another example of me not being aware of gossip or social news.

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I have most of the mailing lists I'm subscribed to filtered to their own folders. My mail program will scroll to show the folder if a number changes, so I know immediately when no new messages get sent to my Inbox. Thus, I know that I'm getting mail but none of it is for me! I'm always a bit disappointed by that. So as Lunesse says, "Mail me, groupies!"