Sat Sep 6

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Events of the Day
      It's morning now, so events that have transpired since the last writing can easily be encapsulated.
      I was dragging through the day, finished off work by printing out about two hundred pages of technical documents & online magazine articles on Java Beans & JDBC. Packed 'em up for the next week of train rides, & headed home. Added to the stash with the September Java Report, which I picked up at Hudson News in the basement of the World Trade Center just before grabbing the PATH. This turned out to have an intriguing article on using object oriented programming techniques to avoid using the case statement. I can't say that on my first reading of the article, which in my defense I must point out was read in an advanced state of bleariness, I understood their 'double-dispatch' technique, but I'll go over it more carefully this afternoon. Personally, I have always liked the case statement, it is a very clear central hub of logic. In persuing the article, I could not immediately grasp the advantage of not using case logic. It seemed as though they were saying you could add conditions without adding a clause to the case statement, but it seems to me you have to put the code that handles the clause somewhere, so whether you put it in the case or somewhere else, what does it matter? Is it really easier to maintain if the logic is spread out among a set of self-referential objects? With a case statement you have the logic bang right in front of you. My other questions, which they don't answer, are: Is it faster? Does it generate smaller programs? But I will decipher it, because in general I have found that once I comprehend object oriented techniques, I like them and use them.
      At home we had plans to head out of the city for the evening. In September 5 of the 7 readily visible planets (don't give me shit about earth) are in the sky at once, and all the local astronomy clubs were holding public events to share telescopes and have a look. The plan had been for Kate to borrow her family's car (we are carless), and head out to one of the closer gatherings. It didn't work out, I guess because of her disorganized family. Rather than meet me at the station so we could head out directly, which was what I was hoping for, we had to take the High Speed Line in to New Jersey to meet her mother, who was going to drive us out herself. I have already mentioned I was tired, and being driven around like a teenager didn't really appeal to me, and the whole business meant we were sure to be late, in which case we would probably miss a planet or two, since one, at least, was setting early. This put me in a bit of an irritable mood. But once we got to our destination and no one was there to meet us, I was pretty much ready to head home. Kate called, and apparently the family was still out grocery shopping, much less on the way to pick us up. I threw in the towell, and Kate was very disappointed in her family also. She stayed to see if she could salvage something of the evening, called her sister to pick her up. I went home in disgust. I hate dealing with her family. They are always disorganized, and invariably late. No matter what time Kate says we are going to get somewhere, or get home from somewhere, I can plan on adding two or three hours to that time. And I hate being late. Particularly when the cause is people sitting around not doing anything. Her family is a little bit like the Rosanne family on televsision, except they are much more low key, happier, friendlier, and more interesting. I realize that eliminates most of the apparent connections, but you'll have to trust me on this one, there's a similarity.
      So I came home, watched bad tv for a while, and went to bed. Now it's morning, and I can't listen to the radio because of you know who. This weekend is the final gluttonous media feast over Di's corpse, bountifully seasoned with Mother Theresa. (They always go in threes. Who do you think? Clinton? The Pope? Castro? Mandela?) This is the weekend when the media fills our troughs with raw sewage and we lap it up like good little dogs. Paparazzi be damned, I'd like every television, radio, and print journalist thrown behind bars for the next fortnight so we can all get some damned sleep.

      Well, I think that will do for now.
About the journal itself:
      The problem with doing the events of the day is that I typically write the entry in the morning, when nothing has happened yet. I am a morning person by nature, and I find it particularly pleasant to jump up early, do stuff while everyone else is still blinking, drearily sipping their tarlike coffee, lethargically leafing through a newspaper, or best of all, still sleeping. Maybe what I should do is, when I write first thing in the morning, date it with the previous day's date, since that is substantially what I am writing about.
A word on love:
      Mentioned the other day that I had fallen in love with Anita. I phrased it in a careful enough way that it could be glossed over, while suggesting that the gloss required some explanation. Here is some explanation.
      The first thing to say is something I have said before in an entry that has generated more comment than any other. It seems everyone has an opinion on polyamory. Well, I'm not talking about polyamory as a philosophy, but the empirical fact that I love many people. I really don't think I hate anyone as an individual, but nor do I just like people. I am either largely indifferent to a person, or totally in love. Towards males my love manifests itself in a reasonably healthy way: I become close friends, I admire. It's not a sexual thing for me. But with women it most certainly is sexual. I can't think of a female friend that I haven't tried to sleep with, dreamed of sleeping with, or desperately wanted to sleep with. But it's not just sexual. Ceej recently wrote an entry about sex, in which she expressed the opinion that she would not be too bothered if her boyfriend slept with some old girlfriend or something, but that she would not be able to bear it if he were intimate with her. For me the intense, sexual interest in a women accompanies a longing for intimacy. Like any male, I suppose, I am attracted by well-proportioned female flesh. But that's not an actual temptation, it's a simple physical reaction. I don't have any problem controlling the consequences of such a reaction. I merely don't act on it, which is easy enough for me because I am shy to start with. (Well, shy in my own way, which is a whole new topic. I am also quite an extrovert. The interaction between my fear of people and my extroversion is a pretty little paradox.)
      No, intimacy is the thing. When I meet a woman who seems like a "kindred spirit" (it's a hackneyed old phrase, one that's been misused by far too many people, but I can't come up with a better at the moment), I want to be with her in everything, to immerse myself in her life, to share a lifetime of exploration with her, to touch her, to taste her, to float among the stars and the seaweed and the high crags of the secret parts of the world with her. I want to share all her interests. Essentially, I want to rip myself open and merge myself with her. It doesn't pass. I could right now list for you every woman I have felt this way about since I was about eight years old. It would be a very long list. Of that list, I have only really grown close to maybe thirty or forty of those women. And I am still close to maybe fifteen of them. The distance comes with time, geographical distance, and the different directions life takes us, but my feelings are as present to me as they were when they were new.
      But to feel this way about a journalist whom I have never met, this is strange indeed. I am still comprehending it. Anita is not the first. I have also developed a deep and lasting affection for Ceej and Deb although I have not told them in so many words. And yet I will probably never meet any of these people. Nothing can come of these feelings, because, very frankly, I don't believe in long distance friendships. My friends are the people I spend time with. I know people all over the world whom I would be friends with, were I there. Call it Kinetic Potential Friendship, perhaps.
      But this phenomenon also leads me along other emotional paths: what would I do if I did live in Seattle? Or San Francisco? Or Harrisburg? (Well both Ceej and Deb are involved. I find it much easier to maintain an easy friendship with someone who is involved in a serious relationship, for some reason. Not to mention I have no idea whether any of these three would have even the slightest interest in me.)
      After my last, most disastrous intimacy, the one person in my life whom I truly successfully did "merge" with, and the one woman in my life whom I am not on speaking terms with (well, there's a second, but that's a very old story), I vowed not to allow myself that kind of intimacy again. Because of who I am, I can only hurt a person by allowing her to love me that much. It is my goal never to hurt a woman again, and this includes my wife. So, while my heart yearns for intimacy with these wonderful people, I guess I really don't know what the healthy expression of my feelings can be. I know the inevitable results of allowing my love free rein -- I's be strung like a bowline in a storm: taut, humming, the snap just one powerful gust away.
      Today I am safe. But for how long? I did snap once, and the cable whipped in the gale, and hearts bled for years.
      Do I dramatize too much?
      When I left Liese and went into my "Summer of Despair" I thought that the powerful pain of that terrible experience would so linger in my consciousness that I would never be tempted to allow it to happen again. Some days now, though the pain remains a scar on my soul, I begin to wonder whether it might not. In her parting words, Liese scorned me. Said until I got help it would happen again and again. So I went to a therapist for a year, and thought I had some things understood. But now I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it's just who I am.

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