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Bottled, Unbottled
We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it.
-- John Lennon
Sunday, December 12, 1999
One year ago: Insurrection
Two years ago: Group Excursions
After I got home from the Santa Rampage yesterday, I called Jack one more time, to make sure that the situation was still stable. (He'd been worried that he might have to go to Yakima, if his daughter A---- was kicked out of her treatment program.) It was ok if I came up, Jack said, but I wasn't to expect a fun weekend. He wasn't feeling good, and he needed to get some beer bottled. I suggested that he could fix something for dinner, since I really hadn't had a chance to eat much during all the running around we did during the day. Jack sighed. "I don't really feel like cooking." So I let him off the hook on that one.
Well, despite this, I wanted to see Jack, and his involvement in his daughter's treatment program means that if I didn't go see him this weekend, I might not get to see him until January! So I drove north. I enjoyed listening to Praire Home Companion while I was driving.
I stopped at the grocery store when I got to Bellingham. I'd been thinking about what would be easy to fix, but satisfying for me, during the drive, and I'd settled on tortelloni or other fresh pasta, with pesto sauce. I bought that, and some ice cream, then went on to Jack's place.
* * * * * * * *
Jack must have been tired -- he was sleeping in his recliner chair when I arrived. (But he did wake up when I came in.) I was hungry, so I went ahead and fixed the pasta. I love pesto sauce! I missed my chance this year to make mass quantities of pesto, but next year, I swear, I'll get a flat of basil down at the market, and load up my freezer with the herb-garlic-nut mixture. (I also swear I'll have a new refrigerator next year.)
We spent a quiet evening watching the second tape in the "Lain" series. We'd watched the first one back in November. It's a very oblique anime. Jack thinks it's jumping around in time; I'm not so sure. The tone is very quiet and moody. I still recommend it, but I hope that some things will start getting explained soon!
* * * * * * * *
I think it was fated that only one person at a time could sleep in Jack's bed tonight. I went upstairs first, read for a while, then slept, while Jack played a new car racing computer game downstairs. I was woken up periodically when Jack would shout, swear, or exclaim as the game displeased him, but I just smiled and dropped off again.
After Jack came upstairs and went to sleep, I was awake! My mind was dwelling on sad topics for a few hours. Jack told me that he woke up in the early morning and went back down to his recliner, where he dropped off again.
In the morning, I went down and asked Jack to come back up and hold me for a while. I find it much easier to talk about what's bothering me in such a setting. What was bugging me was the same thing that had been disturbing me earlier in November. I'd felt then, and worried now, that maybe I was coming to visit Jack almost uninvited. Did he really want to have me come, or was it just additional pressure? I'd said jokingly last night, when he'd warned me about his mood, that if I waited until he was happy and problem-free to come see him, I might be waiting quite a while. In November I'd been thinking to myself (before all this stuff with A---- going into treatment happened) that I'd wait until Jack specifically invited me to come. But just thinking about discussing it had made me so sad, that I'd needed to get up and distract myself in the middle of the night, back then.
Anway, I know that there isn't anything that can change right now. I don't want to be a source of stress or pressure for Jack! I just wanted to tell him what I was feeling. Jack talked about how he needs to keep up a front many places, not showing how all these problems are getting him down. Of course I don't want him to have to do that with me. But he did/does want to see me, even if he feels that he isn't being fair to me. I hope that in the new year there will be more of a chance for my affection-cravings to be met.
* * * * * * * *
In the afternoon, we did get the beer bottled, which needed doing. This is the batch that was brewed in mid-November. It's scotch ale, darker than the India pale ale he'd done earlier in the fall. Brewing does seem like a strenuous hobby for someone with a troublesome back: lots of lifting and bending down. I helped with rinsing and sterilizing the bottles, and we watched Miracle on 34th Street in between times (colorized, boo!). Jack asked me, worried: "Are you crying again?" when I got a bit teary at the end, but it's such a sentimental movie; who could help it?
I left Jack kneeling on the kitchen floor, filling the bottles of beer with a syphon-hose. The drive home was smooth, with only one patch of bad weather.
I stopped at Wal-Mart on the way (the Wal-Mart near Seattle is far from my usually haunts) to do some Christmas shopping. Jack had pointed to some things in the Wal-Mart ad as possible Christmas presents for him. When he'd asked me what I wanted, I didn't come up with anything. I just hope for as much care and concern as he puts into his gifts for his family; he puts a lot of effort into that. At least this year, I know to wrap the gifts I give him nicely -- last year I didn't know his customs.
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