Bummed
The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the old man who will not laugh is a fool.
-- George Santayana
Monday, July 17, 2000
Two years ago: The Mask of Zorro
Three years ago: Pre-Intentionalist Drawings
I was up early, awake before the alarm. Jack drove me to the bus station. I should have packed a sandwich for breakfast! I was already hungry, but there's no food available at the station. A quick kiss, then he watched from the car to make sure I got my ticket ok.
This is the second anniversary of our first real date. I already told him I didn't have expectations of a gift or anything, which I think relieved his mind. Jack is good about things like that, if I tell him what I want.
On the bus, I read from the anthology I picked up a copy of recently, Flying Cups and Saucers. Good stories!
When not reading, I got into a cycle of teary, emotional thoughts. Sometimes I worry that I'm all over Jack, too much so. I crave his attention. It seems like he doesn't put his arm on my head or shoulder when we are driving as much as he used to. He doesn't grab my hand when we are walking. Intellectually I'll bet this isn't true but today I feel it. If you want someone to be closer to you, being grabby and pushy doesn't work. But thinking about holding off and waiting for him to draw nearer (how long would it take?) just makes me feel so sad.
When I was walking from the Greyhound station to the stop where I'd grab the bus to work, I thought I saw Jack's daughter A----! But by the time I realized it, she was out of reach. I'll bet it was her, though! She looked ok, wearing a sturdy packpack, shorts, knee socks and sensible shoes. She didn't see me, and there was no reason for her to expect to see me on a Seattle street on a weekday morning. I don't know what I'd have done with her if I'd succeeded in speaking with her -- asked her to come on the bus with me to my work? The thought of her waiting around all day in the office boggled my mind slightly.
I got to the office about ten. I successfully distracted myself, so no traces of tears remained. A mild shock -- Chip wanted to reassign duties. I'm to take over all editing and production of our current site, and respond to reader mail. Currently Kellie and I were splitting the production duties, with me running an editorial eye over all of it. At the same time I was trying to learn XML and XSLT for a new production process to go with the new site design a consultant is working on. Did Chip think I wouldn't be able to learn it? I know I could do it. But he wants this stuff back on his plate now.
More tears on the bus coming home, though no sobbing. Probably most of the other riders didn't even notice. Why should they? I'll tell Jack what's on my mind (if I can figure it out) when I see him next weekend.
* * * * * * * *
I went to the Century Ballroom tonight. It was very warm and on the damp side. I think a lot of my usual partners were out of town, in Sweden or Boston. But I got a few good dances in. Holly gave me a ride home, early. I was home before ten!
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