Brides of March

It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off!
-- Douglas Jerold

Friday, March 16, 2001
One year ago: Root Canal
Two years ago: Headcrash
Three years ago: Old and New

My sister M---- gave me a call this morning. I didn't know she was usually home on Fridays (or I forgot!) so I went over there with my bridal gear. I offered to bring some lunch for us both.

Taco time? I drove past. Then the chinese place above the QFC, but there was no room in the parking lot. I continued driving towards Madison. Quizno's! And there was street parking available. I'm fond of Quiznos because they toast their subs, very tasty. (Their recent TV commercials are very funny, with sandwich ingredients dancing around under the glowing oven heat elements.)

When I got to my sister's house, we talked about wedding stuff over our sandwiches, and M--- paged through the brides magaines I brought with me. Then I helped her sort through some piles of clothing on her bedroom floor: new-to-her stuff from the Lakeside Rummage sale a few weeks ago, plus other stuff. Did it need to be mended? Should it just be gotten rid of? We made good progress in clearing the floor of her bedroom. (Are these clutter problems genetic? If so, my other sister escaped, I think.)

I saw the boys just before I left. J---- and B----- had asked for their heads to be sprayed green for St. Patrick's day at school. J---- still looked green, but B-----'s color had worn off somehow.

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Back home, I dressed in my bride stuff. I decided to bring all the artificial-flower "bouquets" (a difficult word for brides to spell, according to what I see online). Someone might want to use them! I checked the bus schedule, then went to the bus stop. Brrr! There was quite a brisk breeze blowing. I got some looks when the bus came, so when a woman finally asked me what was going on, I told them about the event. The other passengers were very amused, and one woman said she'd like to join next time.

I arrived at Westlake plaza. Black guys were calling to me: "I'll marry you!" I found Luke and two young guys on the other side of the Seattle's best coffee building (in the center of the plaza), talking to a photographer from the Seattle Times. Luke was wearing an ill-fitting wedding dress under his leather jacket, with tie-dye leggings under it all. The young men had makeshift garb, but I liked their headdresses: each wore a lace placemat tied on with a strip of white cloth.

I asked if anyone wanted a bouquet. I'd brought a pink one for me, and a white one I already had, plus the two bunches of fake lilacs that my brother-in-law had found on the street. My sister had passed those to me earlier in the day. These were eagerly accepted -- every bride needs a bouquet!

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We took a walk around the building, and found that Ivan and his friend had arrived, and were talking with the photographer. We did some posing for pictures, then I suggested we go into the Westlake mall and get some accessories.

It was funny, walking in as a group, waving to the people we passed, then invading the Claire's store. I asked for a bridal discount, but no go. We did find garters (no one had brought one), and the group brought three. Luke bought ten plastic rings, which I think we did get a discount on -- ten for a buck, and the price tag said fifty cents each!

We toured through the Jessica McClintock store right next door (for "bridesmaid dresses") but didn't make any purchases there.

When we came out, more pictures. A few more folks had arrived while part of our group was inside. I think we had about a dozen brides in all! Finally, we moved out, heading towards the Seattle Art Museum. But first, a stop at Nordstrom Rack! We buzzed through the jewelry and accessories, then down the stairs to the lingerie and women's clothing. One of the brides bought a short jacket in a black and white cowhide pattern.

It was fun walking down First Avenue in a group, with cars honking and people waving. We passed a parking lot filled with trucks and equipment for a film shoot -- the Fugitive TV series was working.

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Luke bought cigars -- the cheapest, biggest ones they had -- then passed them out to the group members that wanted them. Some folks actually smoked the nasty stogies, yuck!

Finally the hammering man, our symbolic husband. But two folks were meeting us there, so we had to wait around. Dr. Shlock was there to be a photographer. I've seen his website before but hadn't met him; he's involved with street art, art cars, wild folks of seattle.

They were holding a reception inside the museum. I found out later it was for a convention of museum professionals from around the country! We went into the lobby (warmer!) and hung around. we started greeting the reception guests as they came in, especially after I realized that they were wearing nametags around their necks. "Thanks for coming, Kara!" and so on, acting as if the party was ours. "The gift table is over there." "So glad you could make it!"

We did some processing up and down the "aisle", a long rug that led to the back of the room. The best was when a man, Roger, entered wearing the whole kilt and sporran outfit. We demanded that he "give us away," and he had no problem at all escorting the two young men down the aisle. I guess if you go out wearing the kilt, you are used to people looking at you and making a bit of a fuss.

After one of the guys we were waiting for arrived, we went out and did the ceremony. Brides lined up at the foot of the H-man, and Dr. Schlock officiated at our vows. A Black guy (homeless and confused) talked to Nick -- I think he was the world's worst quick-change scammer.

After we shouted "I do!", we turned around and kissed the statue's leg. Ivan crawled up on the foot and started humping the leg!

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After a few minutes, we all cried that we wanted a divorce. Nick led us in this procedure, in islamic style: say "I divorce thee" three times.

Some young girls were walking by and asked what was up. We explained (as well as we could) about the brides of march. One exclaimed that she wanted to get married, but she wanted to be a bride. One of our young guys ripped all his bridal attire off, quick as a wink, and we put a veil and bouquet on the young girl. They were "married", then got into a clinch. But her friends started calling -- "Rachel, the bus is coming!" so she had to leave. A short honeymoon.

Ivan decided that our plan of going back and getting on the monorail would take too long, so we ended up walking to the Nitelite, our old Santa Rampage starting place.

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At the Nitelite, we invaded a woman's thirtieth birthday party in the back room. I ate a sandwich, then we all hung around joking with each other. I let others have a turn at wearing my veil -- it was the nicest one there! Luke made many jokes pretending to be a pregnant bride (he has a small gut). He'd exclaim to women, "don't put out without a ring -- look what happened to me!"

Finally Luke walked me to the bus stop, then took off to find himself a cab. The bus driver and I had a nice chat while waiting for his scheduled departure time. I was just glad to sit down! My shoes were comfortable, but we'd walked rather a long way by that time.